


familiarity

by faikitty



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 15:29:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18471775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faikitty/pseuds/faikitty
Summary: Something is wrong with Fai.





	familiarity

Something is wrong with Fai.

Kurogane knows it the moment they arrive in the new country in a flash of white and mind-numbing cold, landing in a snowdrift so tall that even Kurogane is buried in it. He scrambles to escape, but the snow collapses beneath his weight as he struggles to climb out of it, so he turns and slowly pushes through it until he finally breaks free. He tumbles out into another two feet of snow, and when he tries to stand he finds the ground beneath to be frozen solid, ice slick and uncracking beneath his weight. He squints, snow-blind, the sun burning his eyes as the freezing wind burns his lungs, but there’s nothing to see anyway, just miles upon miles of white, rolling snowbanks.

A familiar sounding gasp hits Kurogane’s ears, and he turns to see Fai falling out of the snowdrift a few feet behind him. Kurogane watches as Fai rolls onto his back and stares up at the sky. “I wish I still had my coats from Celes,” Fai complains breathlessly. He hoists himself into a sitting position and glances around. “Where are—?”

Mokona’s muffled shrieks cut off his question, and a minute later Syaoran finally pops out of the snow with Mokona in one hand. “Mokona almost _drowned_!” she yells in dismay while Syaoran leans over his knees and tries to catch his breath. She launches herself toward Kurogane and wriggles down his shirt before he can stop her.

Kurogane gives a wordless shout as the ice still clinging to Mokona hits his bare skin and sends a shock through him. “Get _out_ of there!” he growls, but she has already buried herself far enough down that he can’t get to her without taking off his shirt, something he is _definitely_ not about to do. The bits of his skin that are exposed to the frigid air are already starting to hurt, so he gives up with an irritated sigh and allows Mokona to huddle inside his clothes for warmth.

“Mokona has the right idea,” Fai laughs, climbing to his feet and skipping forward to wrap his arms around Kurogane. Fai is already shivering in the cold, and his nose is freezing when he nuzzles in against Kurogane’s neck. Snow and ice from Fai’s hair brush against Kurogane’s bare skin, sending a chill down his spine and raising goosebumps all over.

“Get _off_ ,” Kurogane grumbles exasperatedly. He shoves at Fai, but Fai continues to cling tightly to him, still laughing. If Fai’s goal is to sap all of Kurogane’s body heat, then he is doing a _very_ good job of it, because Kurogane is _freezing_ already. Kurogane tries again to get Fai off of him, and this time he manages to push hard enough at him that Fai stumbles away, toe catching on his heel and sending him sprawling backwards into the snow.

Fai’s laughter seems to freeze in his throat. A flash of something Kurogane can’t identify flits through his eyes as the ice and snow hit his skin. Fai’s gaze goes distant and unfocused, his breathing catches, and he isn’t able to smooth out the unnamed emotion before Kurogane sees it.

Then Fai sits back up with an exaggerated frown, and if Kurogane didn’t know better, he would think he had imagined it.

“Kuro-sama is so mean,” Fai whines as he gets to his feet again, crossing his arms and hiding his shaking hands beneath them.

Kurogane sighs but doesn’t ask. He knows what he saw. He knows what he _still_ sees: Fai shivering, for more reasons than being cold; the pallor of Fai’s skin, even as the wind flushes his nose pink; the way Fai’s forced pout seems fake, hiding emotions more serious. Something is wrong with Fai, but it’s none of Kurogane’s business.

He can’t help but worry, though.

“Worry” might not be the right word for it. Kurogane isn’t _worried_ about Fai, because that implies Fai is in some sort of danger. This country is a blur of white and gray and brown, sparse trees spiking jagged from the earth, and when the snow begins falling again it comes down so thick that it could drown more than just Mokona. It’s _freezing_ , so much so that Kurogane’s limbs feel heavy and his joints stiff as if his blood itself is turning to ice. There appears to be nothing living in this world, least of all something _dangerous_ , but if they don’t find shelter soon then they might not be living much longer either. But Kurogane still isn’t worried, not even when night begins to fall, because they _will_ find shelter. That won’t be a problem.

So Kurogane isn’t worried.

What is he, then?

He’s curious. That much he knows. Fai doesn’t keep secrets from him anymore. Fai doesn’t _lie_ to him anymore, but here he is, keeping secrets, lying, not letting Kurogane in. It’s as if Fai has rebuilt his walls, and Kurogane isn’t too proud to say that that _hurts_.

Ah. That’s it.

Hurt.

Kurogane _is_ worried, because Fai is in pain. Fai is hurting, even if he isn’t at risk of physical harm. Kurogane _knows_ Fai is hurting, even if he doesn’t know _why_ , because Fai is acting in a way that’s all too familiar. His voice is in a higher register, his movements exaggerated, his smile broad and fake, and he keeps trying to attach himself to Kurogane even though Kurogane continues to push him off. Fai laughs each time about how cruel Kurogane is and how they really _should_ snuggle together for warmth, but Kurogane doesn’t listen to him. He ignores Fai’s jokes, and he worries about their cause.

He worries about _Fai_.

* * *

 

They find the abandoned cabin shortly before dusk.

Kurogane breaks the door down, and Fai surges inside before anyone else can. “Finally,” he sighs gratefully, spreading his arms as he walks through the living area. “No more snow.”

Kurogane follows him in, lifting a brow. The cabin isn’t especially _warm_ , but it’s dry, and Kurogane spots a fireplace in the center of the room that they can use to heat the place. “I would have thought a place like this would feel like home to you,” he comments.

Fai, already heading down a hallway to explore, pauses and glances over his shoulder. “It does,” he agrees, voice light— _too_ light. “Lucky me, right?” He turns away and vanishes down the hall before Kurogane can ask him why he has that strange look in his eye.

Kurogane shakes his head but doesn’t go after Fai. He sends Syaoran off to find candles, fishes Mokona out of his shirt, and sets to work splintering the legs of dusty wooden chairs so they can build a fire. Fai rejoins him soon, two stained, moth-eaten blankets folded around his shoulders. He draws them in as tightly around himself as possible as he leans against the wall, watching Kurogane work and giving “helpful” suggestions whenever Kurogane fails to snap the wood in half on his first try.

“Don’t let it beat you, Kuro-tan!” Fai cheers when Kurogane bashes his thigh against a chair leg that doesn’t break. “Hit it harder!”

Kurogane scowls at him and tosses the chair to the floor, where it unceremoniously splinters in two.

Fai laughs, and Kurogane’s scowl deepens as he picks up the wood and chucks it into the ash-filled fireplace where the rest of the wood is already piled high. “Your turn,” he orders.

Fai lifts his fingers and traces out the runes of a spell that bring a roaring fire to life in the mantle. Fai’s gaze softens with the flickering of the light, and he heads over to settle in in front of the fire, sitting so close that Kurogane thinks he’s going to scorch the tips of his hair. “That’s better,” Fai breathes, closing his eyes.

As Kurogane takes a seat on the well-worn couch a few feet away, he can’t help but think that Fai sounds more like himself than he has all day.

The sun ducks below the horizon, and still, Fai stays by the fire. Syaoran joins them for a brief time, Mokona tucked into his arms, but he soon grows tired and wanders off to sleep. Kurogane’s worry only increases when Fai barely even stirs at Syaoran’s yawn and the announcement that he and Mokona are going to bed. Fai makes a quiet sound of acknowledgment, but he doesn’t tell Syaoran goodnight and doesn’t follow him to tuck him into bed. He simply sits, pressed in close to the fire, breathing heat into his lungs as it warms his skin.

When the fire has been reduced to ashes once more and the last of the glowing embers has been snuffed out, Fai drops his head with a sigh and pulls the blankets even tighter around himself before standing and heading over to where Kurogane sits. He drops heavy-boned onto the couch, curls himself as small as possible, and leans in against Kurogane, and finally, Kurogane can’t take the silence and the secrets and the worry any longer.

“Hey,” Kurogane starts, putting his hand on Fai’s shoulder.

Fai flinches as if he’s worried Kurogane is going to hit him. “Please—” he blurts, squeezing his eyes tightly shut as he shrinks in on himself even further. “Don’t—”

Kurogane blinks and slowly pulls his hand away. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he says quietly.

“I know. Sorry,” Fai murmurs. “I…” He swallows hard. “Don’t push me away again. Not yet.”

“I wasn’t going to.” Kurogane wraps an arm around Fai’s shoulders as proof and draws him into his lap. Some of the stiffness in Fai’s spine leaves as Kurogane’s arms go around him, and his shaking stills a bit. “I just wanted to ask what was going on with you.”

Fai tucks his head into the crook of Kurogane’s neck, uneven breath hot on his skin. The blankets stay wrapped around his shoulders, and his arms stay cradled toward his chest as if in instinct to preserve warmth, his eyes still firmly shut. “Nothing,” he mumbles. “I’m just cold.”

Kurogane frowns. “And being cold is enough to make you act this weird?”

“It is, actually,” Fai sighs bitterly. “This place _does_ make me feel like I’m home. And I hate it. I spent my whole life freezing. Cold for me has always meant bad things. Being someplace like this… I don’t like it.” Fai hesitates, and Kurogane watches him drag the thoughts that try to leave his mouth as misted breath back into his lungs. “It… It makes me feel like I’m back there. I keep—keep thinking that if I open my eyes, this will be a dream and you won’t be real and I’ll be stuck in Valeria again with bodies around me and—”

Fai catches himself rambling and breaks off, his breathing coming harder and more unsteady. He takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself, but his voice still shakes as he speaks. “Sorry. I just… I still remember what freezing to death felt like—like my blood was on fire. Hot and cold at the same time. It hurt.” Fai plucks at the frayed edges of the ragged blanket. “I guess that probably doesn’t make sense.”

“It doesn’t,” Kurogane admits quietly, but the pain behind the words does. Kurogane has never been that cold, has never been freezing to death and doesn’t know what it’s like to be so cold he’s hot, but the pain—that’s something that’s familiar. He cards his fingers through Fai’s hair as Fai gives a small, flat laugh.

“That’s okay,” Fai says softly, easing into Kurogane’s embrace. “I’m glad. I wouldn’t want it to make sense.”

Kurogane doesn’t say he’s sorry. He doesn’t say he feels bad for Fai, because he _doesn’t_. Everyone has painful experiences in their pasts; Fai’s just happen to be more painful than most. But that doesn’t make Fai someone worth pitying.

Fai has _never_ been someone worth pitying.

Still, as Kurogane holds Fai close, he wishes he could do something more. He wishes to somehow chase away the memories—the ones that make Fai feel like his blood is on fire, hot and cold at the same time, the ones that hurt.

He knows he can’t.

Kurogane can’t kill Ashura twice, can’t kill the mad king of Valeria twice, can’t kill any of the sensations and thoughts that still fill Fai’s body and mind whenever he’s reminded of the places he escaped. He can’t stop Fai’s past from tormenting him. He can’t make it go away.

But he can hold Fai. He can keep Fai’s memories at bay, because even if Fai is worried this is a dream and Kurogane isn’t real, it isn’t true. Kurogane is just as real as Fai is, and he isn’t going anywhere. He will _never_ go anywhere.

“Don’t be stupid,” Kurogane growls at last, but his voice, low and rumbling though it may be, is soft. “You’re not there anymore, even if it feels like you are.”

Fai’s smile is small but honest against his skin. “I know,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to Kurogane’s neck before lying back against him. “Could we… Could we stay like this for a while? It helps. Being warm—and knowing I’m not alone. Knowing I’m not there anymore, and… knowing I’m safe with you.”

Kurogane tightens his hold on Fai. “Yeah.”

Kurogane can’t change Fai’s past. He can’t save him from the years he spent alone. But he can—and _will_ —keep Fai steady in the present. He’ll stay by Fai’s side as long as Fai will allow him to.

Fai is safe. He isn’t in Valeria or Celes.

He’s not alone.

Not anymore.


End file.
